The wife and the career girl

It's funny how everything is going right at my job & even school isn't so bad yet a love life seems non-existent. It's weird. It almost makes me feel as though I'm not allowed to have the whole package. Even knowing this, I know I'd choose career over love, but only b/c I feel that I have forever to fall in love. I know that I am wrong, but my answer remains the same.

I've watched u change

I didn't really discover boys until the age of 20. I didn't really date until the very end of high school and I never went through that boy-crazy phase girls tend to go through in middle and high school. I was too busy. I would watch my friends get so wrapped up in their relationships and I didn't want to be them. That life didn't appeal to me. Love didn't appeal to me.

I found my first love in college. It was pretty amazing. We talked as though we'd never ever breakup. I believed it. Then I discovered heartbreak. I was never cheated on or dumped but the deception, completely unexpected, ripped my heart apart. I couldn't stay.

A while later, I found someone else. Was it love? I'll never know. I don't like thinking about it...but it really left me feeling empty.

I've had relationships since then but I've grown paranoid and insecure about them. I also feel constantly at fault when they don't develope. What's even worse is that the guys I date tend to hold off on the whole "making it official" due to being "afraid of committment" or "damaged by their last girl" but as soon as we stop seeing each other, they suddenly wife up. When did I become Good Luck Chuck?

With that being said, I don't like who I've become. I have always been a free-spirited ass-kicking be-my-own-person kinda girl but I've recently become vulnerable to the influences of men. I wouldn't quite call myself boy crazy but there are days where I'm feeling down & I say "I need some male attention" and it actually makes me feel better. Since when did I need a guy to make me feel better? When did I start giving away that power?

I want to be stony again...not exactly unapproachable but guarded enough not to depend on men to boost my confidence. It scares me to know that this is who I've become.

I'm going to try to gain my own power again. I want it back! I know I can't exactly go back in time but I must get that power back. I don't know how...but I'll do it.

It's 2:30am...

Love, Peace, & SuperTarget

Ivorie

Strange Girl Thoughts

I've always been perfectly content with the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum.

If I like something, I don't try to dissect why and whether I should/shouldn't like it. I don't weigh pros and cons. I just accept that I like it. Although that way of thinking has caused me trouble now and then, ultimately I've become a very open-minded person because of it.

At the same time, there are times where I wonder how the hell I got to being the way that I am. I'm a 22 year old African-American female leading a gay-straight alliance organization on my college campus. I find myself interested in kpop music, going to the movies alone, watching Asian soap operas, and listening to indie music.

I'm fine with it but sometimes I just wonder why I'm so strange. Why is it that I can hear Miss A's "Breathe" and get soooooooooo excited singing the Korean lyrics as though they're in English? Why do I worship the ground Karen-O and Emily Haines walk on? Why am I so caught up in the drama "Coffee Prince" right now.

My friends don't relate to me when it comes to things like that. I'm an army brat & I've grown up in a fairly conservative home yet I just seem to be so "out there". I understand that stereotypes are not completely valid but I just feel so off base...like my thinking isn't right. I'm okay with that. I just wonder WHY? and HOW?

Knowing why and how wouldn't stop me from enjoying the things that I enjoy. It would, however, somehow make the room seem a bit less empty.