I've watched u change

I didn't really discover boys until the age of 20. I didn't really date until the very end of high school and I never went through that boy-crazy phase girls tend to go through in middle and high school. I was too busy. I would watch my friends get so wrapped up in their relationships and I didn't want to be them. That life didn't appeal to me. Love didn't appeal to me.

I found my first love in college. It was pretty amazing. We talked as though we'd never ever breakup. I believed it. Then I discovered heartbreak. I was never cheated on or dumped but the deception, completely unexpected, ripped my heart apart. I couldn't stay.

A while later, I found someone else. Was it love? I'll never know. I don't like thinking about it...but it really left me feeling empty.

I've had relationships since then but I've grown paranoid and insecure about them. I also feel constantly at fault when they don't develope. What's even worse is that the guys I date tend to hold off on the whole "making it official" due to being "afraid of committment" or "damaged by their last girl" but as soon as we stop seeing each other, they suddenly wife up. When did I become Good Luck Chuck?

With that being said, I don't like who I've become. I have always been a free-spirited ass-kicking be-my-own-person kinda girl but I've recently become vulnerable to the influences of men. I wouldn't quite call myself boy crazy but there are days where I'm feeling down & I say "I need some male attention" and it actually makes me feel better. Since when did I need a guy to make me feel better? When did I start giving away that power?

I want to be stony again...not exactly unapproachable but guarded enough not to depend on men to boost my confidence. It scares me to know that this is who I've become.

I'm going to try to gain my own power again. I want it back! I know I can't exactly go back in time but I must get that power back. I don't know how...but I'll do it.

It's 2:30am...

Love, Peace, & SuperTarget

Ivorie